Cold

4:39am. What's going on? I'll tell you whats going on.

Never mind, no I wont. This isn't really the sort of thing you just write about and post on the internet.

I'm thinking of an emotion. It's characterized by sharp, imagined pains in the chest and head, feelings of coldness, and uncontrollable collective contractions of the facial muscles. It overwhelms the body and drains the mind's energy. It engulfs your entire state of being like a stone sinking into the depths of the cold, cold ocean. It's unpleasant. It hurts. It becomes the only thing you can think about. It dictates your mental state, your posture, even your line of sight.

That's all that I've taken the time to notice so far.

I've felt this way before, but this time it just feels particularly overwhelming. And it doesn't really help knowing that I've still got a Monday's worth of classes to look forward to later today. And it really doesn't help that it's finals week. This is all really just a massive inconvenience.

Well on the bright side, the sun now comes up an hour later, so maybe even if I end up staying up tonight I'll be able to pass out before the sunlight sends its first beam through my window. Then again, that never really happens; my window is at an angle that never allows sunlight to directly enter the room, so all I really get is whatever light that bounces off a bright surface outside in our little courtyard of sorts.

Well I've been writing for a good 15 or so minutes now, and its therapeutic value is really starting to show again. I remember I used to only write when I was feeling somewhat off, and most of the time it helped to make me feel a little better. Reflection really is a powerful tool.

But sometimes just the thought of it creates a situation even more dire than the one with which we started.

And that is why I'm awake at 5am.