Success

*Caution: stream of consciousness

Success is relative. Whether or not you reach it all depends on the goals you set, and whether or not they are even possible to begin with. You tell yourself, "I'm going to go talk to that person", and for you this might be a really big thing. To accomplish such a goal would make you feel like you've taken 10 steps forward. But for others, they feel a relatively lower sense of accomplishment. Pay attention to the way I use the word, "relative". For some people, talking to someone new is easy. It's automatic. It's another day-to-day routine. For others, it's a challenge. A really big barrier to overcome.

So given that, who is giving more, the rich man who gave 10% of his $100 thousand income, or the poor man who gave 100% of his $10 thousand income?

The poor man.

But the poor man's efforts go unnoticed. The world is blind to his sacrifice. No one sees the relative amount of truly passionate effort that they put in. One man casts away $1, while the other wishes he even had a dollar to begin with so he could buy food.

I guess I'm writing this because I feel like a contribute to a lot of things and I end up going off relatively unappreciated. While some of my efforts may seem small to you, they are massive strides for me. They may be small, pyrrhic victories, but they are victories nonetheless, and they are my victories. And while many others' victories are met with celebration, mine never are. They are whisked away by the wind, overshadowed by the success of others.

Or perhaps whatever contribution I think I'm making to anything, maybe it really doesn't matter. I mean, if it really was a big deal, people would make it a big deal, wouldn't they? Why should I ask for it? If I really deserved it, I wouldn't even have to ask for it to begin with, right?

Or maybe I'm just not open enough to it. Maybe there is a lot of appreciation, and I just don't see it. Or maybe I downplay it on purpose, so I can keep me from getting too ahead of myself. Keep myself from creating all these expectations for what's going to happen next so that I don't have to eventually watch my own idealizations collapse and decay in front of my own eyes.

I'm saying all of this because I'm tired of watching all of my buildings collapse. I'm tired of feeling like the work I do isn't taking me anywhere. Studying for hours and barely pulling a C. Why does that always happen?

I guess all it is is that I haven't yet found yet what it is I truly love to do. And if I have found it, then I just don't have to resources to really do it they way I want to do it. So many big goals, yet such limited resources. Why have big goals in the first place when you don't even have the resources you need to accomplish them? Why does it always feel like there's so much cost involved? Why does it cost me more to get the same things as you?

Tell me, why is that?

-nesqu!k