The Chase

So this is what it's like.

Those of you who are close to me know what's going on, and know all the names attached to this story, but the rest of you, well, you're out of luck.

A year and a half ago, I found myself on one side of a situation just like this one, and now I'm on the opposite end. But I refuse to let myself do what he did. A year and a half ago I lost the one person who I was closest to to some ambiguous, unknown figure for reasons that I could not accept but later learned to understand. While I can look back now and say that I'm perfectly happy that it happened, I remember how much it sucked when it did. I remember how lost and confused I felt. I was angry beyond explanation, I was sad beyond counsel. And because I know what it's like to lose the one person closest to you to someone else, I decided that I would never be the one to take a girl from another guy. Yet here I am, on the very edge of doing it.

Ever since I came to Davis, I've met a lot of people, and I've made a lot of great friends. I've met a lot of cute girls too, and while it was easy for me to like them, I've always found it difficult to find a girl who feels the same way about me as I do about her. One thing that I've learned since my last major relationship was how crucial the connection is in a healthy relationship. A girl can be as hot as she wants, but if there isn't a good emotional connection between a guy and a girl, then it'd be a pretty shallow, empty relationship. It wasn't until much later that I realized that those kinds of deep, emotional connections can't be forced; they have to be there from the start. That's how it was for me, a little more than four years ago, when I embarked on my first serious relationship. Clearly we were very much into each other, and as a result, things went pretty smoothly for the two and a half years that it lasted. It wasn't hard for me to feel comfortable around her; I could be exactly who I was, and she loved me for it, and I loved her for it.

Well I feel I can safely say that for the first time in a long time, I've met a girl that I can really connect with and feel comfortable around. At the same time, I feel that perfect amount of discomfort, the level that keeps you on the chase, keeps your heart racing, your adrenaline rushing through your veins. There's just something about this girl; for every other girl that I was into that I asked to hang out and spend time with, most of the time I've been met with a no. But her... she answers yes. Every. Single. Time. "Mind if I catch the bus with you?" I ask. "Sure, I'll see you outside" she replies. "What are you doing the rest of the day? Wanna come sit though some my my classes with me?" I ask her. "Yeah, sure!" Every time I've asked a girl if she wanted to hang out, I've almost always been met with a "no", or "sorry, I'm busy". But this girl, despite getting no more than an hour of sleep the night before from working on an eight-page research paper, came with me to my Psych 131: Perception class, and my NPB68: Biology of Addiction class right after. And even though she could have taken the opportunity to take a nap, she sat awake and attentive, the whole time. Probably just because I was checking up on her ever 3o second, heh. I went with her to her NBP101 class too, and her Psych142 class for a bit. As interesting as the classes were, I could feel my attentiveness driven as much by wanting to be there with her as it was by the material. Inspiration + Expiration = Respiration. See? I was paying attention.

The two of us can sit and talk for hours and hours on end. None of that silly AIM stuff that I used to rely on so much. I spend real, face-to-face time with her, something I've haven't been able to do with a girl in a long time. It doesn't matter what we talk about, how weird, silly, or personal it may be; as far as it goes, we just really enjoy each other's company, and in the past three weeks since I've met her, we've been spending a lot of time together. Anything from random food runs at 1am to Wendy's with friends followed by an impromptu drive down the secluded farmlands of South Davis to look at the bright moon in the sky and the stars glimmering in the distance, the distant trees nothing more than dark ominous silhouettes, to random essay/study breaks consisting of hanging out at the dock by Aspen Village at 2 in the morning, to going to each other's classes just 'cause, to going to the Arboretum in our spare time, to spending time with her and helping her care-giving/assistance work, to going to Starbucks or Subway for an essay break... All of that fun, random hangout stuff. Just any excuse I could come up with to hang out with her, we've spent a lot of time together. And I've enjoyed every minute I've spent with her.

I've enjoyed getting to know her, talking with her, walking to class with her, just being around her in general... I love it.

But... she already has a boyfriend. Whom she's been with for about two and a half years. And while they're going through a bit of a rough patch right now, I know exactly what that was like, because the exact same thing happened to me. I was with someone for two and a half years, and because of the distance, I lost her to someone else. He made the first move, and she let herself fall into it. Well because of that, I refuse to do the same thing. Under no circumstances will I allow myself to take someone from someone else. There is no way to justify it. I can't just assume that I'm the better guy like he did to me; I've never even met the guy, and I only have a very faint idea of what he's like. Who am I to say I'm better than someone I don't know?

She tells me they find difficulty communicating, that they're at different stages in their lives, that they want different things from one another, and it's extremely difficult for them to find a compromise. The two of us, on the other hand, we're about the same age, about the same level of maturity in our lives, we enjoy talking with one another, and we enjoy each other's company. She's understanding and patient, like me. We both know how we feel about each other, and the both of us know that we are asking for trouble, and because of that, I can't let myself be anything more than friends with her at this point in time. For all the time we've shared, and for all the times that I'd just wanted to lean in and kiss her, I've held myself back every single time. I've watched my every move, and I can say to this day that I have done nothing that could be considered inappropriate. All I've been trying to do for her is be an exceptional, understanding, caring friend, a friend that will be there for her every step of the way. And for that, I can look back and say that as much as I've been tempted to do so, I have never broken my moral code. And as much as I'll be tempted to do so in the future, I will never do it, because it would just make me a hypocrite.

Some of my friends have told me that this is it: the universe fucked you over in the past, and this is just karma coming back in your favor, just with different people. Well as much as the universe would like to tell me that I "deserve" to take this girl for myself, I won't do it. You might even say that I'm even more understanding of her boyfriend than I am of her. It sucked being in that situation, seeing someone else walk off with your girl and being left behind with nothing. I would never want to induce that feeling in someone else. I can imagine he must be a really great guy, because she likes him alot. Even though, because they're at different stages in their lives, he feels that he has to hold back a lot of her feelings for her, she's willing to be patient with him. And it's qualities like that in a relationship that tell you how strong it is. The amount of effort they put into putting up with their differences, and each other in general. It surpasses any logic, and can only be explained by love, the mose illogical force known to man. Love, compassion... it's things like that that drive people to make irrational decisions. Our minds tell us no, but our hearts tell us yes. As much as my heart tells me that I really like her a lot, my mind knows that it would be incredibly selfish of me to take her for myself and force her to leave her current relationship behind. This may just be a blind assumption (I usually try to avoid making these), but even though she can see her relationship is full of some inconsolable differences, she's going to work as hard as she can to make it work. Even though she's got a guy like me buzzing all over her, she's going to stick with him until she knows it just won't work. And for that, I have the highest level of respect for her. She's such a fighter, and she's not going to give up until she knows it's all over.

It's funny... even though I know I'll probably lose this battle, to myself if anything, I keep fighting, for reasons that I can barely begin to fathom. It's pretty clear that she's going to tough her way though this rough patch in her relationship, that she's going to fight for it until the end, yet here I am, taking every opportunity to spend time with her, even though she and I know that I'll probably just be left behind in the end. There have been many times that I've done this before: chased an unreachable glimmer of hope in the impossible distance, leading myself into my own emotional self destruction, thinking in ways detrimental to my self esteem. But I feel like this time things are different. For some reason that unreachable goal in the distance seems closer than ever before, yet at the same time, it's just as out-of-reach as all the others were. But this time, the only thing that's holding me back is me and my morality. And as long as I have my morality, I will never win this. To be honest, I almost don't want her to break up with him, because I'll know it could probably be because of me. Because I'm "better" for some reason. It's like whichever way this goes, I'll lose in the end, in some way. If she stays with him, then obviously I wont be able to be with her. If she breaks up with him, then I dunno why, but I'll just feel weird. But if that decision is made based on a real heart-to-heart talk between the two of them, if they come to a mutual decision, then only then will I feel totally comfortable being with her. I almost feel selfish for asking for such circumstances.

So it's at this point that I need to make a decision. To do the illogical thing and keep chasing something that I'll probably never get and remain patient while risking losing thousands of other possible opportunities with other girls who are single, or do the logical thing and just give up and move on with my life?

Well... I've got nothing else to do, I'm not aware of any prospective girls out there, and it's not like we can't just be good friends... So I guess I'll wait. Crazy, crazy you.

-nesqu!k